What's in a Name?

Funny little things, names. Parents fret over picking the right one (and then end up calling their babies some nicknamed version anyway). Kids go through phases where they don’t like them or won’t answer to them. Brides practice writing them (sometimes even accidentally signing their new name before they even have it, but that’s another story for another day). They label us, define us, and sometimes even define for us people we don’t even know. To be just one (or in some cases, two) words, names are a big, huge deal.

And then you get married and it’s time to change your name. And the big, huge deal immediately becomes a big, huge pain in the rear. (No offense, Robert; I’d change my name a million times over if it meant getting to be Mrs. You.)

The dilemma started weeks back… as a Southern girl who squishes her two names together, I started getting questions as to what my new initials would be- would I drop the middle name initial or the maiden? Would I keep both and just add my new last name? Would I hyphenate? I was starting to feel like the Carrie Underwood tune “…and I don’t even know my last name”. Argh.

When you use your two first names, having two last names just seems silly so I decided to drop the maiden. Pretty simple.

And then it came time to change names… in a million places… with a million sets of requirements. And nothing’s ever simple.

I got the stink eye from the sweet little lady at the Register of Deeds office because I didn’t bring Robert with me to pick up the certified copies of the marriage license. (She developed a little crush on him when we applied for the license; I can’t say I blame her.)

I took the documents the internet told me I needed to the DMV where I was told I needed a new Social Security card first. Argh.

I backtracked to the Social Security Office where, when I walked in, the big goofus of a security guard was yelling at an elderly lady with a walker in the lobby for bringing in a bottle of water. Geez, it was water and she was older than Methuselah’s mom; give the lady a break already. When I was finally helped by someone who will never be in the running for Employee of the Month, I was told the card would arrive in the mail in 7 to 10 days but that I could use the receipt at the DMV. And then she walked away from the service window like I wasn’t even still sitting there. Deep breaths.

I waited the 24 hours the hurried Social Security worker told me to and swung by the DMV this morning. I went to an office in a small town, thinking it would be quicker than one in the big city. On my way, I got behind a slow school bus that was behind an even slower tractor. Argh. Nope, Argh won’t do. %$#^. That's better.

I got to the DMV before 8:00 and was somehow still tenth in line in a town with a population of 7. Then, I realized I’d accidentally left my cash on the kitchen table so I paid for my new license in change from the cup holder in the car. Yep, that’s the way to get DMV workers smiling first thing in the morning. You don't get a new license on the spot anymore; you get a temporary license card and your new license with photo (that they don't let you see while at the DMV) comes in the mail in two weeks.

So, I took my new, nifty temporary license card that clearly says “Your old license is your photo identification until your new license arrives” to the bank to change my name there. The customer service assistant in the lobby said I had to wait for my new license. I politely showed her the bridging document between the old license and the new, but she wasn’t convinced I was me. *&%$*. *%$#.

Even when I showed her the certified marriage certificate, the Social Security receipt AND told her I had countless other things in the Grown-up Girl Scout’s Bag of Everything with my old name on it, she was still not convinced. *%#@. !@$%. ^%$#!$.

My patience, I realized, was still at home (probably on the kitchen table keeping my 10 dollar bill company.) Lucky for her, a manager came out into the lobby, rescued her from my impending meltdown, and updated everything for me.

There are still more places to update but I’ll get to them. I’m a woman on a mission to be who I’m supposed to be on every document I have. This may take a while; but it's OK, I have an entire lifetime…